So. Revelation.

If not revelation, then epiphany. Probably epiphany.

The math... the math of life has never added up. One of the results of a bipolar mind, I suppose; as I look around at the world, I've never been able to see how it could be anything but depressing to the souls within it.

Seriously -- any good thing has a thousand negatives tagged on as well. At least, from the point of view of someone that is clinically depressed.

But the Church and the Gospel point out that "men are that they might have joy". Additionally, most folks seem to think life is pretty decent. MOST folks haven't thought about killing themselves to escape the pain of existence. How can that be? The math isn't adding up. So.

So, I take it on faith that my math is wrong, and that the majority are right, and that the Church is right, and that life is pretty good, and I just need medication. It's kept me alive so far, which, depending on your point of view, is probably a good thing. (Ask the depressed octagenarian who wishes they'd killed themselves five decades previously and you might get a different answer.)

So, all that is postulate A.

Postulate A. The world is not a horrible, miserable place.

There is misery, and there is horror, but somehow there's also enough good that most folks want to keep living in it.

Next, we come to the fact that the collective unconscious, the myths and archetypes in all great stories and legends, tell us there is something more that we can have. When the hero saves the day, he saves the world. Superman. Luke Skywalker. Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I don't know, but probably Buddha, and definitely the Savior. I've long believed that the myths in all cultures stem from the fact that Christianity was the original religion of Adam and Eve, and the prophecies of the Christ soaked into the mythos and cultures that devolved from there.

Boston sings "I gotta keep on chasing that dream, or I may never find it." WHAT dream? They don't even know for sure, which is what makes it so elusive.

"Someday we'll find it: the Rainbow Connection. The lovers, the dreamers, and me." Thank you, Jim Henson. Now what the hell is a "rainbow connection?"

This is all leading up to something cool, I promise.

Also, the Light of Christ is available to all, and as such we have common knowledge of good and evil, and, I believe, a sort of unconscious knowledge that the world needs saving. We still make new movies each year about some great evil coming to destroy the world, and the heroes that fight it.

In the Church we know the world needs saving from Satan's grasp -- although we tend to forget that we must establish the Kingdom of God before the Kingdom of Heaven can come; the Savior's return will not be when the world becomes sufficiently evil, but rather when there is a society that can endure his presence -- when we've become sufficiently good!

Hence,

Postulate B. The world needs to be saved from evil.

By that we mean as many souls as possible.

Moving on.

Artists, songwriters, poets, painters -- there's an unmistakable correlation between artists and bipolarity or depression. WHY? What kind of God would give people a disorder that prevents them from feeling happiness like most other folks do? (Unless, perhaps, you prescribe to the belief, like I once did, that all depression results from sin. To you I say, Screw You. My darkest despair came when I was at my most righteous. And the medications work. Why would I be able to chemically make myself happier if blah blah blah you get the point.)

Well, all gifts of the Spirit are intended to bless the lives of others, right? Right.

Bare with me, it's somewhat offensive if you've ever suffered from depression. You've already made the connection, but now I have to say it.

Depression is a "gift" given to souls in order to bless the lives of others. Van Gogh. Beethoven. Churchill. Keats. Fitzgerald. Tchaikovsky. Lincoln. Dickens. Twain. Michelangelo. The list goes on. Why are they better able to help the world around them?

Postulate C. Those with depression cannot be complacent with the world as it stands, because happiness is much more elusive for them. They search harder, and try harder, to bring happiness into the world.

Like how my postulates are to be taken as "givens", when they're really more like hypotheses? Yeah. I was never much of a mathematician. Even when I passed the AP BC Calculus exam -- I think there must have been some heavy curving that year. But, like I said, the math never added up before anyway.

So. Whew. You still with me? We're coming up on a fourth and final postulate before the conclusion, the epiphany, that I mentioned at the start.

Start here, if you think "justification" and "sanctification" are the same thing. They're not. "By the Spirit ye are justified, and by the blood ye are sanctified." We're talking the good kind of justified, not the self-justifying thing we idiots tend to do to hide our sins. Justified is forgiven, but sanctified goes beyond that -- sanctified is being "made perfect in Christ" and having your "garments washed clean". (Moroni 10:32-33)

Now. Lehi talks about the fruit of the tree that was desirable above all other fruit. And it filled him with exceedingly great joy. Is he talking about justification, which Saints enjoy when they partake of the Sacrament? Or is he talking about sanctification, which a select few people on this Earth are probably enjoying right now?

Postulate D. Sanctification is the great joy Lehi spoke of.

I can cite more scriptures -- the people of King Benjamin were righteous, offering up sacrifices, coming to the temple to hear a prophet, and THEN they had the mighty change of heart that filled their hearts with joy -- which show that justification is where we find ourselves at any given time when we're righteous. You worthy to take the sacrament? Feeling the Spirit? You're justified.

But the main reason I know that Lehi's great joy is sanctification, rather than the justification we all know and experience, is that justification DOESN'T MAKE ME THAT HAPPY.

I mean, bipolarity aside, if someone were to tell me that I have partaken of the fruit, but I'm in denial, or I'm beating myself up, or failing to forgive myself, or anything like that, then I can tell them they're insane. Unless they're the President of the Church, in which case I'm outta here. Seriously, I'd leave the Church if I believed that I have experienced the great joy Alma spoke of when he described joy "as exceeding as" was his pain.

I haven't felt it. Not yet. But I believe in it. Now more than ever.

HA! It goes back to Postulate C... it makes sense now more than it did when I WROTE that 10 minutes ago. Ready? Normal people have fluctuations between happiness and sadness that are sufficient for them to live life contentendly. They get enough variety. But the depressed person gets a taste for sadness that CANNOT be rivaled in this life WITHOUT sanctification. "AS EXCEEDING AS WAS MY PAIN," says Alma.

It goes back to the need for opposition in all things -- how could we know to strive for a greater happiness if we didn't have a greater misery to show us the scale? It's like... what is it like? I wanted to say "life's emotional dipstick" but that doesn't work. It's basically like a see-saw, shrouded in darkness. Most folks are near the axle, experiencing the good side and the bad side in small portions. But the super-happy side requires enormous effort to attain, and it's hidden from view. So we get a chemical helper that shows how much misery is possible. (And by no means do I believe I've reached the farthest end of misery -- I just know that I have had more misery than most folks I've talked to. Greater amounts with greater frequency.)

And while we stand at the edge of the see-saw, wallowing in despair... we might just realize that there must exist a happiness to match our pain. If we don't kill ourselves first.

There is a greater happiness, and it's sanctification.

Here comes the conclusion.

When one person achieves sanctification, he should be better able to help those around him achieve it. When you see a truly sanctified soul, you will be inspired to do everything they do to have the joy they have -- you'll give up all your sins to get what they've got. As it is, missionaries aren't the most happy people in the world, so missionary work is growing more slowly than it could.

But imagine a ward where the members have achieved sanctification. They radiate joy and love. People around them want to be like them, near them. The Church starts drawing in more and more people, and they repent faster and better -- no more holding on to some sins like we do -- half-heartedly repenting, getting rid of the big ones but leaving some smaller ones "to make this life livable" as Depeche Mode sings.

THEN, the wildfire starts. THEN the people start coming in droves; baptisms of hundreds rather than individuals or families.

From there, who knows how long until the Lord returns. Or how many people need to join the ranks of the sanctified before he comes back. (Certainly there are SOME people in the world now that could endure his presence; but he's waiting for more. How many more?)

Conclusion. The world will be saved, in essence, by individuals who attain sanctification through Christ's atonement. They'll be the saviors on Mount Zion. (And my depression has helped me to see that) sanctification is the greater happiness that the world needs, that I need. If I repent, truly repent, and seek sanctification, I can be a force in saving the world from evil on a scale that is unprecedented.

Then again, maybe I'm just hypomanic. Raving like a lunatic, not quite medicated properly. But I don't see what damage can come from trying.

(I haven't said much about how to become sanctified, though I've read a lot about it in the Book of Mormon. Mainly, though -- I need to stop sinning. Pretty simple.)

Anyhow, maybe it will take me ten years -- maybe more, hopefully less -- and then I can bring my family to my level of joy, and then those around us... I can't wait! Time to start repenting for real.